SATAN'S SADISTS (1969)

I've heard multiple times over the years that SATAN'S SADISTS made a substantial amount of money during it's initial release thanks to timing (it was released within a month of the Tate/Labianca murders), coincidence (it was filmed at the Spahn Ranch, which was also home to the Manson Family) and it's shameless self-promotion that tastelessly mentioned Sharon Tate and made bullshit promises like "Here's a film your conscious will never let you forget and it's wild beyond belief!", "Torn out of today's headlines.  A shocking, realistic story of the wave of revolution and anarchy sweeping our country today!"and "A rebellion of human garbage!"  I can only imagine that such exciting promises pulled in thrill-seeking audiences by the droves...and then left them so disappointed I'm surprised they didn't burn the theater down.

When the film opens the first thing you notice is that the picture looks like shit thanks to the movie being filmed in 16mm and later blown up to 35mm.  The next thing you notice is that the off-screen gang-rape and double murder in the pre-credits scene was so vague that you barely even had any idea what was going on.  The third thing you notice is that "Satan" tune sang over the opening credits is pretty goddamn groovy in a ridiculous kind of way.  Since I had already seen this film multiple times in the past, I went ahead and sang it to my cat and he seemed to enjoy my crooning.  "I was boooooorn mean.  By the time I was 12, I was killing...killing for Satan!  Mmmmm-mmmm."

After that, things go alright for a little while...bikers cruising down the highway, a vacationing couple pick up a hitchhiker and stop at a roadside restaurant, the waitress likes the hitchhiker, the smelly bikers come in and cause some mayhem, (offscreen) rape, awesome triple murder scene (which was the highlight of the film), toilet drowning and then things go to hell when the hitchhiker and the waitress escape and the bikers start chasing them.  Unfortunately, their bikes crap out in the desert so the remainder of the film is just everybody stumbling around the desert on foot.  It's so boring.  The characters walk around and around.  Occasionally somebody throws a snake on another person or they tumble around in a speed-up "fight" scene, but it's sooo tediously paced that you can actually feel your brain drying up and crumbling in on itself.

SATAN'S SADISTS is by no means the worst movie ever, but, even as a fan of bad movies, this one was a chore to get through...and yet somehow I've seen this movie like 10 times.

Behind the scenes.

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN (2005)

"You're putting the pussy on a pedestal."

Steve Carell is a 40 year-old guy who seems to be perfectly happy with his asexual existence.  He has a nice apartment, tons of neat stuff, tons of free time to spend on his numerous hobbies.  He eats healthy, gets plenty of sleep, exercises daily.  In other words, he's somehow escaped the bullshit belief that you must be in a relationship to be happy.  That is until his co-workers find out that he's a virgin and there's no way in Hell that they are going to allow this obscene display of freedom and happiness to continue.

When you think about it too much THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN almost sounds like a horror movie, but it's actually a comedy and a pretty funny one...as long as you don't think about how much Carell's character is destroying his life.  Steve works at an electronics store and the scenes with his co-workers are the best parts of the movie.  They're a vulgar and unhappy bunch and pretty much everything they say is just a string of cursing.  It's amusing.  The romance scenes later on are lame and depressing.  I don't understand why he had to get married.

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN's overall story is predictable, but the co-worker characters deliver a lot of laughs.  Not enough to make me forget that Steve traded in his freedom, his personal identity and massive toy collection in exchange for busting nuts with a immature single grandmother!  The toy collection thing really pissed me off.  He's been collecting these things since he was a child and now suddenly just because his co-worker's pressured him into having sex, it somehow snowballs into him getting married and selling off all of his stuff!  Whatever.  This guy's a fucking idiot.

What the filmmakers should do is make a dark as fook Part 2 where it's 10 - 15 years down the road and Steve is at his lawyer's office going over the paperwork to see how much his bank account is going to shrink when he looks over and see's that the divorce lawyer is the guy who bought all of his toys on eBay.  Steve snaps and starts murdering everybody.

If you need me, I'll be in the alligator fuck house.

NSFW screenshots

Why is it Boner Jams 03'?  Shouldn't the ' be before the 03?  Boner Jams '03.

Was this scene a nod to CANDY?  I'm actually serious.  I'm sure I'll never find out, but it's placement in the film and he way it looks is a lot like that scene in CANDY.

This calendar only has 6-day weeks.

THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA (1976)

Well..that's 83 minutes I'll never get back.

Kinda like a strange variation of REPULSION co-written by Charles Manson and a pirate, THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA is the slow-moving story of a troubled woman named Molly who, thanks to her dad raping her 24/7 when she was a kid (He even died while raping her!!!), is now a heavy drinkin', pill poppin' adult that has a nasty habit of hooking up with men she sees on television...and cutting their balls off!!!

You would think that with a gruesome story like that that this film would escalate into a finale of blood, nudity and gore. But, sadly, no.  Things actually slowed down as the movie goes on until the long-winded ending that drug on forever.

I could see that the filmmakers were trying to make a film about a highly disturbed woman who equates sex with death, but as a drama the main character is too unsympathetic (also all of her victims were innocent people) and as a horror film the whole thing is way too talky and lightweight.

THE WITCH WHO CAME FROM THE SEA is not a bad movie, just a boring one with no payoff.  Skip it.