Monday, August 23, 2010

MISS MARCH (2009)

So this dork guy in high school has a beautiful girlfriend, but he's a tool and refuses to have sex with her. She's OK with that because she's in love with the geek. Finally, she's had enough and makes him promise to have sex with her after the prom. They go to a party and before they can knock boots he gets drunk and falls down a flight of stairs and goes into a coma.

Four years later he wakes up he finds out that she's posing in Playboy, so with the help of his mentally challenged friend they travel across country, having all kinds of wacky adventures, in the hope of seeing her at a Playboy mansion party.

Interesting movie with a few humorous bits, but overall it was a let down. I was entertained for the majority of the movie, but the friend got on my nerves after awhile. He was just too goddamn stupid! Also, I was kinda shocked at how a film that centers around Playboy and pornography had such little nudity. Even worse is the nudity there was was just extras, unless I missed it the main girl didn't get even close to being naked. Fucking lame.

Worth a watch, but don't expect too much.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

OBJECTIVE, BURMA! (1945)

[Update 05/14/2022: Need rewatch this film and redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Who knew Burma looked so much like California?! I'm just kidding. OBJECTIVE, BURMA! is actually a good movie. It kept me entertained the entire time and even a little shocked in a few scenes.  Also, it's one of the only films I can even recall that's about the WWII Burma Campaign.

Handsome Errol Flynn leads a group of soldiers on a parachute drop behind enemy lines to destroy a radar station. They do it, but when it comes time for their air extraction the landing zone is too hot, so now Flynn has to lead his boys a hundred and fifty miles through an harsh jungle with a pissed off Japanese Army hot on their tails! Really good stuff and I especially liked the scene where the Americans are dug into little holes and the Japanese are slowly creeping up on them. I don't think I'm giving away anything here, but at one point the Japanese kills an American with a knife then calls out in English to another soldier asking if he's OK. The American instantly figures out what happened so he answers then sets a hand grenade in the space between them and lays down in his hole with his helmet over his head. The enemy soldier crawls over and the grenade blows up right in his face!!! Goddamn!

Of course it's not as bloody and violent as a modern day military action film, but this was the real deal full of anti-Japanese propaganda. Errol Flynn does a good job of looking like a war fatigued soldier. Director Raoul Walsh somehow directed three other films in 1945 including THE HORN BLOWS AT MIDNIGHT.

Worth checking out.

Monday, August 16, 2010

GOLDFINGER (1964)

Now this is a little more like what I expected when I started reviewing the James Bond series. You have a unique villain, a great henchman, a bunch a crazy gadgets, multiple opportunities for the bad guys to kill Bond (...and they never do), an overly elaborate evil plan and an old unattractive woman as Bond's sex interest...well, I guess we can't get everything we want.

Bond is sent to investigate some evil asshole called Goldfinger who's a freak for gooooooold! Stuff happens and Goldtesticles men capture Bond and tie him to a table and are about to cut his dick off with a frickin' laser when Goldscrotum has a change of mind and spares his life. Bond is now transported to America where Goldhorsepussy plans of doing a job on Fort Knox. Naturally Goldcolums of morgagni tells Bond fucking everything before hand! It's fucking stupid, but that's what makes it so much fun.

Good movie and definitely a step in the right direction, but it's still not as Bond-ish as I was hoping for...I'm starting to get worried that none of the Bond films are going to be a crazy as I had envisioned.

My biggest complaint is there wasn't any sexy broads in the entire movie! There's one attractive leftover from FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, but we've already seen her before. The main chick in this movie, Pussy Galore, might have had pussy galore, but I didn't want to see it. She looked old to me and way below what I envision Bond's standards to be.

Still, outside of the lack of pussy galore it's a good film and by far the best of the three films I've seen so far.

Two thunderballs out of five.

Part 1 - Dr. No (1962)
Part 2 - From Russia With Love (1963)
Part 4 - Thunderball (1965)
Part 5 - You Only Live Twice (1967)
Part 6 - On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
Part 7 - Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Part 8 - Live and Let Die (1973)
Part 9 - The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Part 10 - The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Part 11 - Moonraker (1979)
Part 12 - For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Part 13 - Octopussy (1983)
Part 14 - A View to a Kill (1985)
Part 15 - The Living Daylights (1987)
Part 16 - Licence to Kill (1989)
Part 17 - GoldenEye (1995)
Part 18 - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Part 19 - The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Part 20 - Die Another Day (2002)
Part 21 - Casino Royale (2006)
Part 22 - Quantum of Solace (2008)
Part 23 - Skyfall (2012)
Part 24 - Spectre (2015)
Part 25 - No Time to Die (2021)

Non-Eon James Bond films:
Casino Royale (1967)
Never Say Never (1983)