Showing posts with label Bill Paxton. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bill Paxton. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

VERTICAL LIMIT (2000)

Hold on to yer clitoris', motherfuckers!!! From the writer of PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE comes VERTICAL LIMIT, the completely nuts story of a brother (Chris O'Donnell) who will stop at nothing to save his sister (Robin Tunney) who's trapped by an avalanche with the slimy Bill Paxton.
 
The film opens by showing us lowly groundwalkers just how awesome and relaxed the brother and sister are hanging a trillion feet up in the air with nothing to protect them except their climbing gear and gigantic balls. Then...tragedy strikes and the brother's gigantic climbing balls wither up and die. But not his sister!  Oh no, she still has her gigantic climbing testicles and scampers all over the joint like a spider monkey hopped up on hallucinogenic toad puss. That is until one fateful day when she goes climbing with Bill fuckin' Paxton and a powerful storm traps them in a crevasse. Now it's up to brother Chris O'Donnell to re-grow his massive climbing round tables and lead three nitroglycerin-packin' teams of big-balled badasses straight up that mountain's butthole and save his sister!!! Grrrrr!

On a believability scale of 0 - 666, VERTICAL LIMIT scores somewhere around zero point zero. I know very little about mountain climbing, but I'm almost positive that somebody in full mountain climbing gear cannot run and jump 100 feet, face first into a solid wall of frozen rock and save themselves by ramming two hammer spikes into the wall. That said, I enjoyed the movie because it was stupid, yet somehow still tried to be serious. To me, that's pure entertainment. Plus, I like it when Bill Paxton plays a slimeball.

Fast enough pace, dated special effects, annoying as fuck stoner bros that said a bunch of funny stuff but none of it was even remotely funny, impressive (nearly all male) cast, a 27-second scene of Scott Glenn shaving, reality thrown straight out the window, plot holes (dying from a lack of water...in a hole made up of ice and snow; who was doing Morse code on the radio first?), macho climbing talk, enough helicopter action to make Michael Bay spooge, Longmire using his normal(?) voice, mildly disappointing third act.

Recommended for fans of ridiculous action movies.  Would probably make a fun double-feature with TWISTER.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

THE TERMINATOR (1984)

Los Angeles, 1984.  Sarah Connor is about to have a bad day.

Little does Sarah know, while riding a scooter to her waitressing job, but she is about to be the focus of one of the most important events in human history.  The simplified version (as to not spoil the story or the sequels too much) is in 1997, a super intelligent and self-aware computer system called Skynet launches a worldwide nuclear assault on humanity.  In the aftermath, some humans band together to form The Resistance.  Their leader is one John Connor, son of Sarah Connor.  For decades they fight the robot army controlled by Skynet.  Finally, in 2029, on the verge of defeat, Skynet sends a cyborg assassin back in time to 1984 to kill John Connor's mother before he is even born.  Not a bad idea, except that the Resistance also sends back a human, Kyle Reese, to protect Sarah.  What follows is exciting as fook!

THE TERMINATOR is without a doubt one of the the most influential movies of all time.  Not just on other movies, but on popular culture as well.  As for me, I've seen it, at least, a hundred times.  The story is brilliant (not only is it action-packed and thought provoking, but it's actually romantic as well), perfect use of slow-motion, the direction and editing are unbelievable (there is not a single wasted moment in the entire film, every single scene is moving it forward!), it looks amazing and the acting is great all the way through.  Outside of a few minor goofs (car headlights in the police station scene, gun sounds, etc.), THE TERMINATOR is an outstanding film and entertaining even after numerous viewings.  A timeless classic.

Part 2 - Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)
Part 3 - Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Part 4 - Terminator Salvation (2009)
Part 5 - Terminator Genisys (2015)
Part 6 - Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)