Monday, April 23, 2018

MARK OF THE DEVIL (1970)

Long ago, in a town full of idiots and sadists lived the witchfinder, Albino.  For the last two years, Albino has engaged in a reign of terror, falsely accusing people of witchcraft for his own financial and sexual gains.  All of that comes crashing to an abrupt end when the prince unexpectedly sends in a new witchfinder, Lord Cumberland.  Unfortunately for the townsfolk...Cumberland is an even bigger dickneck than Albino!

Well, that sucks.  Almost as bad as this movie.  I remember seeing MARK OF THE DEVIL a few hundred years ago and thinking it sucked.  So, I watched it again for this review and it sucked even more than I remember it sucking.  It's definitely not the suckiest suck that ever did suck, it's just really boring!  The vast majority of the movie is annoyingly dubbed talking scenes and then when something finally does happen, it's either fake as hell looking or done offscreen.  Very little violence, a few lame tit scenes that were so poorly photographed that I didn't even bother taking screenshots, mannequins tied up and dropped into the fire, mediocre acting, irritating music that hurt my handsome brain, disappointing ending that made me want to dropkick the disc off the balcony.

Watch it if you want to, but I hope I never have to trudge through this snoozer ever again.  Skip it with a vengeance.

Part 2 - Mark of the Devil Part II

Modern-day street sign covered up with a basket.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

THE VOID (2016)

"We're in Hell."

Obviously inspired by films like PRINCE OF DARKNESS, THE THING, the HELLRAISER series, THE BEYOND, etc. THE VOID tells the gripping at first and then gradually less exciting story of a group of people holed up inside a small backwoods hospital.  They're surrounded by an armed group of hooded outer space worshipers, but the even bigger danger lays in the basement of the hospital.  Eek!

For a low-budget horror film, THE VOID has amazing-looking special effects...I just wish the story had been more original and creepier.  Some tasty nudity wouldn't have hurt things either.

Great beginning, boring middle act, meh ending.  Awesome special effects, good acting, nice photography, too dark lighting, boring dialogue, great music, fair amount of blood, zero tits.  I liked THE VOID, it was a good time-waster, but I can't ever imagine wanting to watch it again.

Probably would have made a better novel than a movie.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987)

"You go down on her...you're gonna be kissing the back of my head, cause I'm already gonna be there!"

Anybody with even a basic knowledge of "bad movies" knows what they are getting when they sit down to watch an Andy Sidaris joint: a ridiculous story filled with big guns, fat tits, exotic locations and goofy dialogue.  In other words...they're fucking awesome!!! 

This time around, the action is set in Hawaii (which truly is beautiful in this film), as some sexy female drug enforcement agents (who are working undercover as small cargo aircraft pilots) accidentally deliver a killer snake and then accidentally intercept a shipment of diamonds intended for a local drug lord!  Talk about having a bad morning...better go get topless in the hot tub and think it over!

Somebody shooting a large killer snake from 5 feet away with a rocket launcher inside a house (!!!), numerous topless scenes, some truly cringeworthy dialogue, eye-melting 80's fashions, cool 80's electronics, a middle-aged skateboarder doing a drive-by while holding an inflatable sex doll, crossdressing, medium pace, Andy Sidaris acting, throwing star-fu, nunchaku-fu, ninja hand claw-fu, somebody "smoking some heavy doobies" and a guy getting murdered with a frisbee!

If frisbee murder didn't grab your attention, then I don't know what will.  HTTH isn't the best movie of all time (or even a good movie!), but in the right frame of mind, it can be a lot of fun.  So grab some heavy doobies and check it out.